Indian Giver

Wikipedia would define an Indian Giver as:
a person who gives a gift (literal or figurative) and later wants it back, or something equivalent in return.

I remember using the term when I was little to my brother. He would give me something, then make up a reason that he didn't really give it to me, and then take it back. I would call him an Indian Giver.

Right now in my life you could say I have a lot going for me. I live for Jesus, I just got a 2010 Nissan Cube with 4,000 miles on it (first car ever), I have my own place, and I have a job. What more could you ask for?

I moved to Arkansas 3 years ago. I can't believe how fast the time went. I left behind 18 years of memories; my hometown, streets and parks I knew like the back of my hand, my Church, my family, my baby sister who was only a few months old when I left. I never have been to a single birthday party of hers. I loved all these things, and I still do.

But lately I want to be an Indian Giver, I gave up all that stuff I had to pursue a life of Ministry in Arkansas. Now that my 3 Years of Master's Commission is over I feel useless, abandoned and forgotten. I want to take everything back that I gave away from my old life in exchange for this new life.

Especially with this being the first year I have not spent Christmas with my family. I think that's where its hitting me the hardest.

I would trade my own place to live with my family for a little longer. I would trade my car to walk my sister to the park and swing with her and run with her. I would trade this 'ministry' I am doing here, to walk into Divine Dance Studio, and work with Chosen Acts Drama team. To walk the streets with Adopt-a-Block and hang out with my friends.

  At this very moment I feel as though I have traded my life and my dreams and have nothing in return.

Yes, 'things' I do posses, but those things can't hug you, or tell you they love you, or sit on the back porch at night at look up at the sky with you. These things can't be my memories. I would love to Indian Give them back.

However, there is a real good chance that I'll come to my senses and say that this is just crazy talk. I guess I would be an Indian Giver once again. For now though, these words express my hearts cry this night.

See you when the day is bright :)