The Dead Don't Die Easy

Man. It is such a relief when you finally reach the point where what used to cause you to cry yourself to sleep every night, is over.

When you don’t have to wonder about should-have-been could-have-been  would-have-been.

Because it’s not.

And it’s better that way.

Things that can cause you to be so blind. You are literally submerged in it. You keep yourself drowning in misery, unwilling to let go. Holding on, trying to keep it alive. . with pictures, and memories, smells and sounds.

But, no matter how much you spray a corpse with perfume, its gonna stink eventually.

All is good. You have moved on and your past has finally found its place.

And you  move on. Your life makes more sense than it every would have before.

Thank you Jesus.

But only a fool would consider the battle over. Because it’s not. Because your enemy is like a roaring lion. He is still trying to kill you, steal from you and destroy you. He will try to blind side you and bring back all those picture, memories, smells and sounds you had laid to rest.

And that corpse rises up out of his hole of death and tries to get back into your life.

Just a message. Just a word. Just a thought and soon you can lose yourself. It will try to pull you back in.

Then you begin to fight all of it again.

Should have worked out.

Could it still?

It would have been better. .

STOP!

Luke 9:62New King James Version (NKJV)

⁶² But Jesus said to him, “No one, having put his hand to the plow, and looking back, is fit for the kingdom of God.”

It’s not a sin to see something. . it is sin when you don’t look away

Then you look again

You think again

You purposely so back time and time and time after time.

You get caught in a web. You surrendered your freedom for a dead feeling.

Then you are weighed down by guilt. Will you ever escape?

You have moved on, you have put your hand to the plow. You have begun a new thing.

Don’t Look Back. Keep Moving.

Rest in the strength and truth of Christ. Let what is dead and gone stay dead and gone.

Do not give into the fear and pain again.

If need be, cut all open ends off.

Expose it. Show it. Don’t keep it to yourself.

What used to be the top of your list, now has a big red line through it.

The past is passed. Kill the dead. Keeping pressing on.

Cause the dead don't die easy.

Forgiveness Is More Than Saying 'Sorry'

Forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a funny thing. I just starred at the word for a moment. The majority of the word ‘Forgiveness’ is ‘Forgiven’.

You give someone a status of being forgiven.

for·give

fərˈgiv/

verb

past participle: forgiven

1.    stop feeling angry or resentful toward (someone) for an offense, flaw, or mistake.

This definition is more for the one giving out the forgiveness than the one receiving it.

I forgive you for breaking my heart. I forgive you for not staying true to your word. I forgive you for letting me believe a lie. I forgive you for getting over me so quickly and without seeming remorse. I forgive you for the rejection. I forgive you for the ostracizing. I forgive you for ignoring me. I forgive you for making me feel like a piece of dirt under your shoe.

I forgive you.

I am not angry.

I am not resentful.

I was offended. It was flawed and there were mistakes.

Through the power of Christ, I forgive you.

Forgiveness.

Forgive me too.

Inconsistency killed the cat.

Inconsistency killed the cat.

Cats supposedly have nine lives, so that’s an inconsistent amount of consistency.

I started writing blogs about 1 year and 7 months ago. I got my Indian Giver wish. I have moved back to my hometown.

I turned my back on the south, as it seemed it turn its back on me. I am living with my family, I have been to my sisters birthday party and still have a car and a new job. How wonderful.

Wonderful.

Wonderful? Restless.

How restless I still am. As though my craving for ‘new’ and ‘more’ will never be satisfied, because I find discontentment.

I came back, I went to dance, I did adopt-a-block and still couldn't reach that high.

I go to a new church now, made a whole new group of friends and in the sweet moments I feel purposeful.

But I am lacking. I am overwhelmed with ‘what-could-have-been’s and scared about the things I wasn’t or maybe won’t ever be.

Silly to think that I have everything I need. But I want more.
I want to do big things. I want to go far places.

I even had a goal when I was younger to meet everyone in the world. I like the impossible.

So does fear.

When I daydream I imagine everything I could do if fear wasn't there. And regret was dead.

God continues to be good. His will continues to prevail and no matter what, my dreams aren't to big for Him.

Still hopeful, in case you wanted to know. This is Brit Mo on the go.

Indian Giver

Wikipedia would define an Indian Giver as:
a person who gives a gift (literal or figurative) and later wants it back, or something equivalent in return.

I remember using the term when I was little to my brother. He would give me something, then make up a reason that he didn't really give it to me, and then take it back. I would call him an Indian Giver.

Right now in my life you could say I have a lot going for me. I live for Jesus, I just got a 2010 Nissan Cube with 4,000 miles on it (first car ever), I have my own place, and I have a job. What more could you ask for?

I moved to Arkansas 3 years ago. I can't believe how fast the time went. I left behind 18 years of memories; my hometown, streets and parks I knew like the back of my hand, my Church, my family, my baby sister who was only a few months old when I left. I never have been to a single birthday party of hers. I loved all these things, and I still do.

But lately I want to be an Indian Giver, I gave up all that stuff I had to pursue a life of Ministry in Arkansas. Now that my 3 Years of Master's Commission is over I feel useless, abandoned and forgotten. I want to take everything back that I gave away from my old life in exchange for this new life.

Especially with this being the first year I have not spent Christmas with my family. I think that's where its hitting me the hardest.

I would trade my own place to live with my family for a little longer. I would trade my car to walk my sister to the park and swing with her and run with her. I would trade this 'ministry' I am doing here, to walk into Divine Dance Studio, and work with Chosen Acts Drama team. To walk the streets with Adopt-a-Block and hang out with my friends.

  At this very moment I feel as though I have traded my life and my dreams and have nothing in return.

Yes, 'things' I do posses, but those things can't hug you, or tell you they love you, or sit on the back porch at night at look up at the sky with you. These things can't be my memories. I would love to Indian Give them back.

However, there is a real good chance that I'll come to my senses and say that this is just crazy talk. I guess I would be an Indian Giver once again. For now though, these words express my hearts cry this night.

See you when the day is bright :)

Ministry Hangover??

I guess it was a great way to end a great summer.

This whole summer has been incredible. I graduated my 3rd year of Master's Commission, I got a job, a car and fixed up a trailer for my first real place ((with much help from my boyfriend and his family)).
It was a busy time. ((only thing is, I never got a puppy)).

Being in Master's you are in a ministry bubble 24/7. Its an awesome experience. Ministry is like my drug, I love those Jesus fumes! But when you are out of Master's its really hard to get plugged back into church and if you are not careful you can lose yourself.

I have recently hopped on board the women's ministry and its very exciting! I am looking forward to gaining wisdom from these ladies. I am also excited to teach young girls at Church on Wednesday nights. If you are not pouring your life out into some one else, its a wasted life.

And yesterday our Church kicked off  Summer Slam. It was tons of fun. With a camera in my hand I set off to document the events. One thing I documented for sure; photography is not in my blood.

When part of a Master's team you always learn to work. Go hard or go home. This time seemed different. I was the only one out of Master's from previous years there. I didn't feel competition. ((Ministry should never be competition)). I didn't feel like I was trying to gain approval or out serve anyone. Not that I ever really thought that, but that burden was lifted, so it had to have been there.

I was serving and working because, unlike photography, it is in my blood. It gave me motivation. Ministry for me some days, confirms my faith and fuels my soul. I get so excited when I can serve my Church, and be an armor bearer to others. I love helping.

I love Jesus. ((the most)).


Seventh Chance ((college and career)) were beasts when it came to clean up. I felt like I didn't need to be in a Ministry program to do ministry. It brought me back to when I was in High School and I was up at the Church every day that I could doing anything I could.

Christ is my passion. Serving is my expression of that passion. Although this summer had been fantastic, I had not lived in my passion. Working at Summer Slam just reminded me of how it felt to serve.

The night ended with a headache and this morning my whole body hurts.

. . .its a Ministry Hang over and I can't wait till the next one.

Blahhhg

You know those days where you aren't sure if its going to be hot or cold? Like, its in the middle and its almost comfortable but there could be a change in degree so you bring a jacket just in case? That's my life right now.

I am in limbo. In waiting.
I named this blog segments Brit Mo on the Go. Ironically enough, all that I go to these days are: work, home and church. How is that for goings?

God is an amazing guy, and once you get to know Him, tough times come with peace, and trials make more sense (the fact you are experiencing them, not necessarily why.)

I just know that right now I could be really frustrated and give in to quitting or stick it out and see.
I'm not a big quitter, but I am  a horrible waiter. (as in waiting, not like serving food ((but I suppose I am clumsy so either way you look at it, I am just not that excellent)) ).

Waiting for ministry.
I desire so bad to be in full time ministry, but sometimes I wonder what that even means. If my desires are what my imagination tries to paint. Master's Commission was full time ministry, but it was too much of a bubble.  Because after you get out of a program like that, you get plopped right back into the world. You don't have your bubble anymore and things that were exciting before seem silly.

But at the same time I have an opportunity to speak daily with non believers about who Christ is and the Gospel that saves souls.

So I may say I'm waiting to be in full time ministry , but maybe I am already in it.

Waiting for my future family.
Ah, this will get you every time. I remember being ten and thinking, when I am twenty I am going to be married!! I am headed close to twenty two and my ring finger is as naked as the day I was born.

This will be the first time (sad to say) that I have faithfully committed my heart to waiting on one boy. Seeing my future with one boy and planning and what may be one day. Waiting to see if that's God's plan.

Just waiting. . waiting writing blogs.
this is for you

Ya gonna wait? Ya gonna wait and write a blog? huh? wait and write a blog? write blog? yeah? ya gonna wait? (If you don't get it you weren't meant to)


Brit Mo On the Go. . just blogging to let you know :)